Walls of thought, every morning, afternoon, evening, all day–a ring of immaterial things fencing me inside my skull though I am free to walk outside. Family, bosses, money, relationships. I tracked all my thoughts the other day, same ones pop up in the morning with my coffee, and same ones in the evening before bed, same ones in between. What I have come to realize is we spend most of our days hopping onto and off very few thematic thoughts. Maybe three or four. And that is when I thought, why? What other thoughts could I have? What if I had a whole new set of thoughts in the morning, and the evening? What is beyond these walls of thought? I tried peering over the wall, under it, around it. I tried.

How is it so that these thoughts never change, defying physics? The world around me moves outwards and inwards, expanding, shrinking, deteriorating. Physics is doing its thing still. But god damn, like a giant mountain thy stands still unwilling to move like a loyal dog till death does us apart. Sometimes they are like a silent witness in the background, sometimes right in my face, sometimes quiet but present, and sometimes screaming at me like an angry punk band.

I have flown to far away places. I have meditated long hours. I have prayed and cried. Made friends and lost them. Seen wars begin and end. But darn these thoughts, they are still there. Do they not get tired? Run out of energy? Are they not mortal?

Black turns to grey as my autumn arrives. Deep lines etch themselves on my face along what used to be plump wetlands, and joints creak and crack under the slightest pressure. I can’t even see the face of my lover well, and yet, they, thoughts, like a cock show up everyone morning, crowing. I see, hear, feel them better than my flesh.

I imagined myself a mental mechanic the other day, a career I invented just for them. A dismantler of thought. I tried to undo them from the inside out by examining meditatively — looking intensely, calmly, passively, distantly, turning them around this way and that. I thought a reductionist approach could work. It didn’t.

So I give in. I will give you my time, lie with you, stand and walk and live with you. All I ask is you, now and then, let me peek beyond your walls at other thoughts. Let me see what’s beyond evern for a minute. The rest of my time is yours.